Thanksgiving Thank Yous

It’s Thanksgiving weekend, and I didn’t want to miss the chance to highlight some people who should be very grateful for stuff and also to reveal what I’m thankful for.

So let’s start with a few of our favorite New York politicians.

Chuck Schumer has tons to be thankful for.  Not only does big Chuck get to keep that grand Majority Leader office of his, he gets to say “who’s your daddy” to lipless Mitch McConnell every time he sees him changing into his workout tights in the Senate gym.

New York Governor Kathy Hochul should be super thankful 250-thousand times.  Why 250-thousand?  That’s the number of ballots cast for Kathy on the Working Families Party line in her run against Lee Zeldin. She won by only 325-thousand votes, so you can do the math and then tell me how much she’s beholden to the WFP’s radical progressive agenda.

Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg is thankful Lee Zeldin didn’t get elected or he’d have been on LinkedIn on Thanksgiving and missed his helping of stuffing.

New York Mayor Eric Adams should really really be grateful.  He’s been in City Hall almost a year and no one’s noticed he hasn’t done anything.  But Mr. Mayor,  your friends and family thank you for giving them high-paying jobs they are clearly not qualified for.

We should be thankful Dr. Anthony Fauci has finally retired.  The rumor is he will be appearing on the Masked Singer, sometimes with a mask, sometimes without.

Thank you Qatar for banning beer at the World Cup.  That means more Bud for the rest of us.  Yeah, thanks a lot.

Elon Musk, thanks so much for firing everyone at Twitter and gutting the website.  You’ve freed us up to obsess over TikTok for five more hours each day enabling the Communist Chinese to steal all our Netflix passwords.

Yo, Ye! Or Kanye or whatever your name is.  Thank you and Kyrie Irving for stoking antisemitism.  It really didn’t need any help but you two did such a good job I didn’t want to forget about you during this holiday weekend where we celebrate love and brotherhood.  Thank you for your love and brotherhood. 

A big shout out to the 45-million or so turkeys that are slaughtered each year around Thanksgiving, according to the National Turkey Federation  (and yes, there is such a thing as the National Turkey Federation).  Without you gobblers, Thanksgiving would be sorta like what they celebrate in Canada, where their so-called Thanksgiving is in early October and they watch hockey and eat boiled meat.

We should be incredibly thankful for all those dead turkeys.  What would the week after Thanksgiving be without holiday leftovers like turkey hash, turkey salad, turkey tacos, turkey casserole, turkey a la king, turkey pot pie, kung pao turkey, turkey noodle soup, turkey enchiladas and of course, turkey with waffles and mashed potatoes slathered in butter.

Now, I’ll tell you what I have to be thankful for.  

I’d like to thank disgraced FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried.  He not only confirmed my contempt of crypto, he also introduced me to the perils of a polycule.  And if you don’t know what a polycule is, then you’re probably older than 27.  Anyway, everything is better in the Bahamas, right?

I’m thankful for the food cart outside my window and that lovely smell of frying bacon that seeps into my apartment each morning.  Even my fancy shmancy Dyson air purifier can’t clear it out.  But it is better than the pervasive stink of weed wherever you walk.

I am thankful for living in a city where true freedom reigns, the freedom the Pilgrims prayed for at Plymouth Rock on the very first Thanksgiving.  Our only risk is getting nailed for parking tickets because everything else goes.  We can run red lights on our unlicensed motor bikes, we can help ourselves to anything we want at CVS or better yet, Prada and we can look forward each day to a multi-sensory ride on the New York City subways. 

But seriously, on this Thanksgiving weekend 2022, I am truly thankful for my family, my friends and for all you who’ve supported me in the past and now again with Friendwithoutbenefits.com.  With your encouragement, I hope to continue to call ‘em as I see ‘em, to speak truth to power with honesty and owing nothing to no one.

Happy Thanksgiving and, excelsior!