With the Mega Millions lottery over a billion dollars this past week, I got to thinking. What benefits I would bestow upon friends, foes and others, if I actually won the billion dollar jackpot?
After all, a billion bucks is a lot of money…to most of you.
I set some very broad parameters on how I would spend the money. I would want the billion dollars to improve our quality of life in New York, the United States and who knows, maybe even the world.
The first thing I would do if I had a billion dollars to burn, would be to buy the LA Times and make a certain scurrilous and incompetent reporter type my blogs for friendwithoutbenefits.com over and over again, for all eternity. On a manual typewriter. In triplicate.
Maybe, if I had a billion dollars, I would pay off all the rats in New York City and send them to Mar-A-Lago where they would be in much better company. It would certainly make summer in NYC more tolerable.
I would definitely pay off the dirt bikers that are terrorizing the streets of New York and have them circle Gracie Mansion 24/7.
One idea I had, if I were a Mega Millions rich man, would be to buy an island, probably upstate someplace, and move the entire New York State Legislature there. I would stock this island paradise with all the thugs who’ve been released onto our streets due to the weak bail laws those stupid elected officials have passed. I probably would also send several of the city’s district attorney’s there as well. Maybe that would woke them, I mean wake them up.
I’d buy Eric Adams an apartment somewhere in the five boroughs because living in Fort Lee is really bad optics for the Mayor of New York City.
Because I still have a soft spot, if that’s what you want to call it, in my heart for Bill de Blasio, I would take some of my billion dollars and buy him and Chirlane a second bathroom for their Park Slope townhouse. Yes, that’s right, they’ve had only one potty for their family of four. Or, maybe I would just give the entire billion dollars to Chirlane so she could squander it like she did the ThriveNYC mental health money.
With my new found billion, I would buy Republican House leader Kevin McCarthy a spine and President Joe Biden a teleprompter that tells him to please, please just sit down and shut up.
I’d buy Liz Cheney anything she wants.
I would definitely spend the billion dollars on buying Bernie Sanders the Ben and Jerry’s franchise in Vermont with only one flavor to sell, Half Baked. And, I would make him hire all the members of The Squad to work behind the counter. Scooping and scooping and scooping.
I would probably use some of my billion to buy Ukrainian leader Volodymyr Zelensky a new green shirt and Senate Majority leader Chuck Schumer a new grey suit. Maybe I would also buy the state of West Virginia for Chucky so he wouldn’t have to deal with Joe Manchin any more.
Alas, the odds of me winning the billion dollar jackpot and making all my dreams come true is 302,575,305 to one. To put it in perspective, the odds of getting struck by lightening in a given year is about one in a million. Not sure what the odds would be riding the subway without seeing a fare beater. Nah, that’s a sucker bet.
So, till then, I guess I will just have to biddy, biddy bum and dream of a time when our problems could be solved, not by a rich man, but by men and women of courage, leadership and vision.
What are the odds of that?!?
4 thoughts on “Billion $ Dreams”
You entertained us at breakfast this morning with your very clever pipedreams. It was a refreshing alternative to all the gloom and all that is wrong with us served up by that nameless and shameless paper which contains the news – correction opinion – they think is fit to print
I like the island idea but nothing for Charline.
Love all you would do if you had won the mega millions jackpot. I would have loved to set up a charitable organization where people in need can go for financial assistance and a sympathetic ear. Alas we didn’t win but always nice to dream and there is always tomorrow.