Of Rats & Men (and Women)

As we hurtle toward Election Day, this was the week of the debates.  

It’s the week where candidates that are behind in the polls desperately want to goad their opponents into saying something incredibly stupid and where candidates that are ahead in the polls desperately want to avoid saying something incredibly stupid.

Let’s focus on two debates.  The Kathy Hochul, Lee Zeldin New York gubernatorial debate and the Mehmet Oz, John Fetterman Pennsylvania senatorial debate.

In one corner there was the Republican Oz, the noted cardiologist turned TV doctor, who carpetbagged his way from New Jersey to run for Senate and made it through the primary with a Trump-ed up endorsement.  

In the other corner, the 6-foot-8 tattooed Democrat Fetterman, the state’s cargo-shorts wearing, goateed lieutenant governor, who’s trying to recover from a stroke.

Watching the debate, I couldn’t help but think, here’s one guy who just left a tv show where he gave tips about what your poop should look like,  and here’s the other guy who’s so tsemished, that’s Yiddish for confused, mixed up, bewildered, that it’s a shanda, that’s Yiddish for disgrace, that he’s still running.

And if you think I’m being an ablest, that’s English for believing people with disabilities require fixing, take a look at what Senate boss Chuck Schumer said to Joe Biden in a tete a tete picked up by a hot mic.  The Chuckster was giving President Biden a brief status update on some senate races and he said, “Looks like the debate didn’t hurt us too much in Pennsylvania.”  

So I guess Chucky is an ablest?  I do know it was a cynical thing to say, implying that hey, we all know Fetterman needs to heal and fix his cognitive problems, but we certainly can’t say that to the voters.  So we will spin, spin, spin and allow some members of the press to skewer any reporter who reports the truth about our candidate. 

All I can say is this, Pennsylvania voters, you have quite a choice to make.  As Joe Biden would say, I have three words for you. Oy vey.  That’s Yiddish for, you’re screwed.

Ok, onward to another debate, this one between the non-elected governor of New York, Kathy Hochul from upstate and Congressman Lee Zeldin, from Long Island.

Zeldin came out of the chute like he just downed three Red Bulls.  Kathy Hochul didn’t blink an eye at Zeldin’s broadsides, in fact she didn’t blinked at all during the hourlong debate.  Facial expressions aren’t her strong point.

Anyway, Hochul basically said she’s done a great job and all’s good in New York.  Zeldin said New York is burning while Hochul fiddles.  She hit him on being a Trump supporting election denier, and he hit her on crime and taxes.  

But there was one question that would have gotten New Yorkers to really focus on the choice between the two but Zeldin didn’t ask it.  “Are you better off now that Kathy Hochul has been in office for one year than you were before?”  

That’s the key question you should be taking with you into the voting booth on November 8. If your answer is yes, then vote for Hochul.  If your answer is no, then Zeldin’s your guy.

Shifting gears, if you will, let’s talk about another political development this week.  It’s not about two-legged critters but rather the four-legged variety, with long tails.

The amazingly talented, that’s an English idiom for sarcasm, New York City Council passed the Rat Action Plan.

Yup, you heard that right.  Four bills aimed at persecuting our official city animal, the rat, or as one city councilman called them, “public enemy number one.”

The rat explosion has allegedly been fueled by outdoor dining, overflowing garbage and climate change.  Yeah, it’s getting warmer in New York so rats breed more.  Damn that melting polar ice cap.  

Remember the 60’s tv show, Rat Patrol?  US soldiers riding around the North African desert in World War Two in jeeps with machine guns mounted on the back.  I kinda envisioned that for New York, blasting rats and any Nazis that popped up.

Instead, here’s what we got:  keeping trash off the curb till later in the evening, telling builders to employ rat pros during construction and of course, the requisite annual report from the Health Department on rat mitigation.

That oughta do it.  No mention of rat-proofing outdoor dining sheds or stepping up collection of overflowing trashcans.  Whatever!

I will say this.  The onus isn’t only on the City Council.  New Yorkers need to do their part and stop being slobs.  Stop throwing garbage in the streets.  Stop throwing garbage on subway tracks.  Start caring for your city.

Here’s what I would have done.  I would have gathered up as many rats as I could and put them on buses to Texas and Florida.  

Hey Abbott and hello DeSantis, how do you like them rats?